I have decided to take my anger out on my personal beast, Ralph, instead of beating myself up all the time. I have a typical eating problem that many people have: I like to munch. Sometimes I can control the munching, but most times I have trouble. I have gone throughout my life trying to tame the "beast" and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I've never been terribly, morbidly obese, but I have been as much as 40-50 pounds overweight (non pregnancy), although I was only that overweight twice in my life when I wasn't pregnant. I am usually fighting about 30 pounds at the most, and more typically, 10-20 pounds, but for me that's a ton. I'm very unhappy when I'm overweight.
I hit menopause, changed my lifestyle by quitting my job to work at home, re-married my ex-husband (after about 3 years separation/divorce), quit a lifetime of smoking, and watched both of my children go through painful periods in their young adult years - all this between 2001 and 2007. This is when I gained the most weight. In 2007 I weighed close to 160 pounds and I am only 5 1/2 feet tall.
Three years after quitting smoking, and both of my beautiful children are now up on their feet, happy and healthy and successfully pursuing their careers. They both have satisfying relationships and, at least for now, I don't need to worry about them. It was time to take care of me.
In 2007 my daughter found the man of her dreams and started to plan a beautiful wedding to be in October 2008. I vowed I would NOT go to the wedding as a fat mother-of-the-bride.
I changed my eating lifestyle, with a lot of help from my husband, who is the main "cook" in the house. (We don't really "cook" at all, but we use that term loosely for whatever we do to prepare our meals, usually something in the microwave.) I decided low fat would be my diet and my mind was very prepared for the long haul, no hurry--but by the wedding, I wanted to lose 40 pounds and I had eight months to do it.
For the next eight months there was nothing that interfered with how I ate. I couldn't be tempted to eat fatty foods for anything. I traveled to visit my son and his girlfriend in San Francisco several times without having a problem with my eating. I was so happy that I could choose foods anywhere that were low-fat and satisfying anywhere I ate. By the wedding I had lost almost 45 pounds and I was so proud of myself!
After the wedding, I kept up my low-fat ritual and didn't have a problem at all for about six months, until one day I let myself go...I think it was a baby shower for my step-daughter-in-law's new baby in April 2009. I let myself go at the chips and dip. Why I allowed myself that day, I will never know. That was the beginning. I still was able to control myself without a struggle at home, but then three months later, another family party for Father's Day and I was eating chips and dips again. You see, I let my "beast" out of the cage twice now and he was winning the battle with my mind. One month later and another family party with chips and dip, and the beast won the battle and I've been fighting it ever since.
The beast is out of the cage now and I can't seem to get him in control again. I don't know why I can't be successful with eating correctly unless I obsess about it. I can't let myself go even once - it's all or nothing with me, it seems. I can't buy those 100-calorie snack packs, because if I have one, I want more, and the beast is not easily controlled.
So I've done the lectures and the hateful talks to myself until I'm blue in the face. I can't believe I would let myself get fat again. I've gained about 20 pounds now (I'm afraid to weigh in), and I spend all my waking days hating myself again. Why would I do this to myself??? Usually it's when my husband leaves for the evening. He's a musician and has rehearsals a couple nights a week or more. As soon he's gone, I'm rummaging around the kitchen hoping to find lots of munchies. My husband is very thin, and he has never had a problem or a concern with what he eats, and he really doesn't get the same kind of "enjoyment" out of eating as I do, but he does enjoy snacking on candy and salty chips and crackers. He didn't have them around much until the last few months (right when my beast was getting out of his cage). He started buying his chips and crackers again. He absolutely does not have an understanding why it's difficult for me to be around food. When the beast is caged, it's not a problem, but if he's loose, it's a big problem! I don't feel it fair to ask my husband to deny himself his snacks because of my inability to control myself. It's up to me to be able to control myself.
So, I read an article at SparksPeople.com that had some helpful advise on controlling the beast, and this article really spoke to me. Instead of hating myself so much, I'm going to separate myself from the beast and see if I can't control him! The article had a few suggestions:
1. Stall the beast - promise him in a half an hour, we'll eat, after this show, when I'm done with this game, etc. In other words don't think NEVER, think LATER and keep stalling until my husband is home.
2. Distract the beast - Find other comfort things. Food is comfort, well there's other things that I really love to do. I love to read and play games on my computer and watch my TV shows in the evenings. Relish in those comforts and distract the beast from doing evil.
3. Compromise with the beast - Since I love to munch, make sure that I have on hand plenty of air-popped popcorn and carrot sticks and other healthy foods to munch on. This has done me well for a long time, and eating air-popped popcorn is just as satisfying to me as eating potato chips (most of the time).
And, yes, I know there's absolutely nothing in this post about exercising. This is difficult also for me to do. I realize it's needed. I don't need any more lectures, thank you.
So, Ralph, are you ready for the ring? You are a nasty, evil beast that with only one thought in mind, to tear me down. And I'm NOT happy when you are loose. I'm very happy when you are caged up tight, and that's where you belong.
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